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My boyfriend of four years, who I live with, told me yesterday that we weren’t really in that serious of a relationship. Not quite sure what to do with that statement

I don’t even know why I posed that as a question. The answer is yes. I don’t know if it is just because I grew up being friends with lots of boys, or if I am just not wired like the rest of my female counterparts, but I don’t understand girls AT ALL. I had lots of girlfriends growing up and I don’t remember them being this insane. We never cared about how long it took for a guy to call us back, or about minute details of a conversation, but then again, we were smart and had more important things to worry about. My best girlfriend is my best friend because she is NOT girly at all. She is deep and thoughtful and the complete opposite of anything superficial. It took me years to convince her to get contacts instead of glasses and maybe put on some heels. But that is why I love her. She doesn’t get caught up in petty bs. She is who she is and everyone loves her for it. I’m girly on the outside and I admit I have some girl moments (usually when I first start dating a guy), but my tolerance for this nonsense is quickly depleting. As I get older and get more self-confident, I am outgrowing a lot of these crazy tendencies to obsess about everything a guy says to you and I’ve been a much happier person. The one thing I have learned from all my relationships with guys is that they are much more black and white. If they want to see you-they will call. Guys are straight forward and don’t play all of these games that girls spend hours of their lives obsessing over. They don’t look at your text message to see when you sent it and wait a while before responding to seem unavailable. They don’t ask five of their girlfriends how to respond to a basic text message. They don’t break their plans at a drop of a hat to see someone who is making mild effort to see them. I am kind of sad for girls, especially the intelligent ones who should know better. Yes, I admit, part of my relaxed attitude has to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend, but if I was this insane, I wouldn’t be dating him in the first place. I see so many smart girls that literally spend the entire day obsessing (I know I keep using that word but there is no better one I can think of) over everything the boy they like says and I can’t help but wonder- are they even happy in the relationship:? You give yourself anxiety waiting for him to call you, wondering if he likes you, counting the minutes until he asks you to hang out, how is that fun? I keep telling my friend that she needs to focus on her and her happiness, and that if he likes her he is going to want to hang out, but it doesn’t matter how many ways I say it, it does not sink in. It’s completely a lost cause. Everyone is a little neurotic when they first start dating someone, and I’ll even admit I go through a stalker period, but eventually you have to give it up. It’s frustrating for me because I KNOW that guys don’t care about these things that girls are destroying themselves about and yet there is no way to get through to girls to make them understand. Not only do they not care- these thoughts don’t even cross their minds. After spending a girly day, I am ready to hang out with my boyfriend and my best friend and my  guys, and I feel lucky that I do not relate to girls on this level.

I just got back from a family vacation in Florida. As much as I love my parents, spending a few days with them without any breaks always makes me see their faults and I am trying to avoid adopting those characteristics. My parents are such New Yorkers. I have a great view of New Yorkers but some of the negative stereotypes are really true- they’re kind of cynical, they can never relax, they are judgmental and they look for the bad instead of the good. My family rented a house on the beach in Florida- it was a beautiful place with great food and everyone was in good spirits. My sister just got a new job, my nephew is adorable, the stars were out and shining and everything should have been wonderful. Yet somehow my parents still had to see the negative. My boyfriend tried to talk to my mom about how beautiful the stars were and somehow that conversation came back around to how F-ed up the world is. The world is here to enjoy. Obviously things everywhere are not ideal. America is not perfect but other countries are certainly worse. I am not saying we shouldn’t care about all of the bad things that go on around the world,but I’ve come to the realization that I can’t be held responsible to care about all of them, nor can I change all of them. I can’t just think about everything that goes on in the world that is wrong- war and genocide, starvation, torture, child abuse, etc. I can do my best to change a few things and I can be knowledgeable about the rest, but I am going to be seriously depressed and angry if I never think about anything else or enjoy the beauty that is in the world. We were given something beautiful and it is my choice to enjoy that. All I want in life is to be happy. I want to help other people but I don’t want to sacrifice my own happiness and I think that is something that my parents do. They take on the world’s problems as their own and you can’t do that. If you think about a small family like our own, how many problems there are, that is enough for a lifetime. Now if you take on the rest of the world’s problems in addition, you have no chance of being happy. i think i want to even stop reading the news, at least for the summer. I want to enjoy the sunshine and the beach and pretend that I am 15 again when i had no clue what was going on.

i am going to try not to be so judgmental and critical and i am going to try to see the best in people. I don’t want to be naive- some people are bad, but I think I can do a pretty fair assessment of people’s character. My friend just introduced me to a great blog and I’m going to quote #179 here, entitled “Talk to strangers”

Teaching you to fear strangers would be cynical. The generosity of unknown people will ease your burden on many occasions. Instead I want you to learn to gauge people’s intentions by listening to your gut instincts and recognizing subtle cues. Confidence in this skill will allow you to avoid the aberrant persons you encounter and embrace something much more common – the kindness of strangers.

from: http://prudentadviceformybabydaughter.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-10-22T13%3A27%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=20

Being down in Florida, where everyone says hello whether they are mowing their lawn or riding by on their bike made me realize how closed off New Yorkers are. I think we are good people, but we forget how to be friendly to strangers. We forget that we are social beings and that we need other people to survive. We forget that not everyone is all bad. We think overly friendly people need therapy and that’s wrong. I thought that only people in beach towns said hello and were friendly but now I realize that this is how people live. People are relaxed and happy and friendly and I think there is a lot to be said for that.

i’m going to try not to complain so much but i will still put things out there that i don’t understand. i am going to try to live in the moment and be thankful for all that i have, instead of stressing about the things that i don’t have.

There must be something wrong with me. I just don’t get girls. I must be missing the gene that makes me capable of having girlfriends and being girly. Someone asked me if I was a tom boy the other day when I was growing up. I wasn’t offended because I don’t think he was mocking me, I just don’t have natural girl instincts. I don’t care about clothes or hair, I don’t know how to do my makeup very well, I HATE talking about ridiculous boy drama like if you should text back after an hour or 3 days. I don’t want to think about babies, in fact I don’t even want to babysit. I like playng with my nephew but that’s about it. But my biggest qualm lately, is that I have no interest in getting married anytime soon and it seems like I am the only 24 year old girl who feels that way.

It all started when my friend Greg proposed to his girlfriend right after we graduated college. This would have been semi-normal if she hadn’t just graduated from highschool. Eek. Totally weird but I am going to attribute that to them growing up in New Hampshire. They might even be cousins..who knows.  Two of my boyfriend’s friends just got engaged. One is in his late twenties which is totally normal and the other one is my boyfriend’s age which is terrifying. What’s worse is that his girlfriend is my age and she was ansy about him proposing. Is there something wrong with me? I love my boyfriend and we have been dating for four years and living together for a year and half and I don’t see myself getting engaged for at least 4 years. Apparently this is weird. I’ve already lost two ex-boyfriends to marriage, and that’s 50% of all my exes right there. When did this happen? Did I miss the memo that said you had to have dated everyone you’re ever going to date by the time you graduate college because from then on it’s just a race to the altar. Well I don’t run very fast and I certainly am not joining this race. My best friend has talked about marriage with her boyfriend (who i love) and my other best friend doesn’t understand the difference between living with someone and getting married.  That’s like saying what is the difference between hanging out with supermodels and homeless people?

I don’t want to seem like I have a negative view on marriage. My mom was married when she was 23 and is still happily married. But right now I still have my own life that is separate from my boyfriend’s and he has his. I don’t need to be involved in everything he does, and he doesn’t want to hang out with me and my friends all of the time either. We both are extremely motivated people with big goals and plans for our futures, and I feel like marriage would come in the way of that right now.  I don’t know where I’ll go to grad school and I don’t know where his business endeavors will lead him to, but I am certainly not going to stand in the way of his dreams and I am certainly not going to be bogged down by the stresses of marriage before I even have a career set up for myself. Living with your boyfriend is great (when he puts away his stuff of course). You have a roommate that is your best friend and of course you are going to fight, but you get over it, unlike petty nonsense that gets in the way of friendships. But marriage has so many more responsibilities. You have to be on the same page on everything in your life- where you want to live, what you want to spend your money on, how many kids you want to have, whether you want kids at all, bla bla bla. I don’t want to deal with this now. I haven’t even gotten to the step where I figure out what I want to do with my life.  I feel like it is easier for people who don’t see themselves as a career woman to want to settle down early on. They don’t really want to work and once they get married they won’t have to. But then what’s left? Kids? Sure but then what?

I want to have kids and I am certain I will be a great mom because my mom is a great mom and my grandma was the best person in the entire world. But for me to be a great mom, I know I need to have no regrets. I know that I have to satisfy my intellectual curiosity and travel the world and establish myself before I become a mom and devote myself entirely to my children. I know that I need to marry someone who will be a great husband but more importantly an even better father. And I know there is no way that I can know any of that right now. I think I”ll just have to accept that I am different and just watch as everyone passes me by. As long as the bf is on the same page, I guess I have nothing to worry about.

Have you ever heard of General Anxiety Disorder, otherwise known as GAD? Well, I’ve decided I have JAD- Jewish Anxiety Disorder. My dad is not jewish but the disease is only transmitted on the maternal side, from Jewish mother to daughter. It is characterized by extreme worries, irrational fears, the need to constantly be paranoid or anxious about something bad happening and of course the tourettes like use of the phrase “Be careful.” I used to talk to my grandmother twice a week and she managed to tell me to be careful 15 times in a single conversation. I was only 9 years old at the time-  I am not sure what I was being careful about. My grandmother’s constant use of the phrase has definitely made my mom paranoid. She is worried about everything I do. I remember before I went mountain biking she of course told me to be careful and when I smashed my knee open her response was  “I told you to be careful!” As if I wanted to go flying from my bike and have the wind knocked out of me while my knee gushed with blood. As if it could rally be attributed to be not being careful. I am not a very athletic person and most of it was my mom’s overgrown fear that I would hurt myself. She didn’t want me to play soccer because she was afraid I would break my ribs. True story. She certainly didn’t want me involved in football and even gymnastics began to scare her after a while. She told my boyfriend to be careful before he went to Hawaii to surf. He actually even told him yesterday to be careful before his soccer game.  I had no fears when I was a child-  I wanted to try everything. And now, I feel like an old lady. I am scared every time I go skiing that I am going to break a bone. I am afraid to do water sports and at this point I am almost scared to ride a bike. I am not mad at my mom, she got JAD from my grandma. But I am trying to calm down and try new things. I am trying to quell my borderline hypochondria  and tame my fear of life and just focus on the thrill and joys of life. It’s a pretty hard step though. Is anyone else with me?

Well thank god they found Mark Sanford. I was so worried about him. The real mystery remains though- why do I care that this guy had an affair with a woman in Argentina? I am not his wife. I am not his mistress. He is not even my governor. I don’t know why he felt the need to apologize to the entire country about his behavior- he should probably just apologize to his wife. And if you’re going to smash your political career, take some advice from Eliot Spitzer and go down dirty.

Don’t we have more important things to worry about like Iran? North Korea? ……..Bueller? Bueller?

I am in my quarter life crisis and I’m not shamed. I used to just feel lost and confused about everything in my life and was unable to make “moves” towards any sort of cohesive goal.  I have recently learned though that there is a name for my syndrome and it’s called the quarter life crisis. Eyeweekly.com describes this phenomenon to perfection. They have worded the story of my life more eloquently and precisely than I ever could:

This phenomenon, known as the “Quarterlife Crisis,” is as ubiquitous as it is intangible. Unrelenting indecision, isolation, confusion and anxiety about working, relationships and direction is reported by people in their mid-twenties to early thirties who are usually urban, middle class and well-educated; those who should be able to capitalize on their youth, unparalleled freedom and free-for-all individuation. They can’t make any decisions, because they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know what they want because they don’t know who they are, and they don’t know who they are because they’re allowed to be anyone they want.

You can’t see me, but I am still in shock that someone I have never met, who is not even talking about me, could describe my feelings so well. I try to exlpain this concept to my parents and my boyfriend over and over but it seems to be beyond them. Although I am a year shy of my quarter century bday, I definitely felt the pressure of life after turning 24. I life with my boyfriend, who runs his own company at the age of 25. He is pretty serious all of the time and thinks about work 27 hours out of the day. He is doing really well and I am proud of him and happy that he is so inspired and does something he loves, but it is also hard not to feel like a failure in comparison. It’s not that I have no direction in life, I would say I have a vague direction, a blurry map per se. But my whole youth there was a distinct plan to follow. I went to a really intense and competitive high school where everything seemed like it was planned out to the T. You always had something to do, something to strive for. There was always a test or a paper or a play or dance lessons or SAT class or a presentation. Then one day it was all over and I wound up in a small liberal arts college with people playing frisbee on the grass and teachers smoking pot with their students. There were slight guidelines and class requirements, but they mostly involved modern dance and creative writing. Not that I missed the mental breakdown that was high school, but I did somewhat long for more predictable structure and pressure to push myself to perfection.

When I went in to college, I had no plan but I figured it would come to me by the end of 4 years. Approximately fifteen minutes later I was standing on stage with someone handing me a diploma. I graduated top of my class and for that one day, I was really proud of myself.  I felt like I had accomplished something.  I hadn’t quite solidified a life plan but I knew I was going to work in a jewelry store for the summer then start my job in a research lab in the fall… This was two years ago. I still work in the lab and although I like my job a lot now, I felt otherwise for the first year I was here. Apparently this is a product of the quarter life crisis:

“Generally, being happy at work is huge part of having a happy life, and a cool and interesting job is one that leaves you fulfilled, not bitter, or not with that existential career angst that you were meant for ‘more than this.’”

I think for most educated people, “real life” is slightly disappointing at first. I was ready to give up the college partying for a job that I was passionate about, something that would stimulate my brain and put all of those hard years to use. Unfortunately, I felt like no one in my office cared about anything. Maybe they were already burned out. For a long time I subsisted on scrabulous, gchatting, facebook and reading the superficial.com. I took an hour lunch and in the afternoon I would read. I got through Love in the Time of Cholera and the Bonfire of the Vanitied (approx 700 pages of Tom Wolfe’s flowery bs) in 2 months. I did the times crossword everyday and usually took a nap around 3. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew it wasn’t that.  I knew I was “better and smarter” than that.  I looked for other jobs but the thing you quickly learn as an adult, is that good health benefits speak louder than personal happiness.

The Quarterlife Crisis remains largely a middle-class, Stuff White People Like kind of problem, and usually manifests itself where certain problematic social norms used to exist, like who had access to education and interesting work, and who was allowed adventure and self-determination. The twentysomething void is, in large part, due to the important evolution of sexual equality, and when sex, relationships, and family-building changes, everything does.

I am all about gender equality and I definitely do my share for my sex. But sometimes I think it would be nice to have fewer choices. My career choices would include nurse, or teacher, and I would choose nurse. I am 24 so I would probably be married by now instead of living in sin, and I wouldn’t be wondering about all of these BS problems that I have in my relationship like is he the one? Are we going to be together forever? WHy doesn’t he fold and put away his laundry? Does he really love me? Things would be a little more cut and dry.

I spent the first six months of “real life” trying to find myself or figure out who I was.  I partied a lot with my best friend and I feel like we were regressing in age as a way of fighting the inevitability of buckling down and becoming adults.  I hung out on the lower east side and all of a sudden became a pseudo-hipster or maybe just a wanna be. I wanted to fit in somewhere, I just wasn’t sure where that was. I am grateful that my parents are so supportive of me- both financially and emotionally-but I definitely do feel that they expect something great of me and they are just waiting for me to take action. They have always told me how smart I am, and this whole notion that you can be anything and do anything gets overwhelming really fast. As Eye weekly put it:

Having so much — youth, ability, independence — can feel like the worst possible scenario.

The one thing I can say, is that on my 24th birthday I decided that I was going to be happy and I was going to start moving. I made some goals and I’ve gotten to a few. I wanted to be an extra on gossip girl and I did it (in under a month too). I wanted to decide a career path and I am 90% sure I have chosen the right one. I got a paper published and I am presenting at a conference in June. I started exercising again and I feel great. Maybe that’s all you can hope for at this stage in the game. Babysteps. Small achievements. Little everyday things that you can be proud of yourself for and that send you in the right direction, or any direction.

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough.

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. - The Dalai Lama

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection. -The Dalai Lama

The face of a lover is an unknown, precisely because it is invested with so much of oneself. It is a mystery, containing, like all mysteries, the possibility of torment.

James Baldwin, Another Country, 1962 (One of my favorite books)

I try to be a pretty positive person. I have a lot of anger but I try to get it out through yoga, dance,  writing or some form of art because I know that all of the negative energy is really bad for you. In an attempt to diminish the level of anger in my life, I am going to consolidate everything I hate about life into a list of 10 things.

10.Things made in China: You are cheap, but it shows. I try to avoid buying you at all costs, but it is hard. Although, I have a feeling we might actually start making things in America or Europe again.

9. People who are not from NY but think they are: You are annoying. NY is a totally random city with a hodge podge of people. So clearly, most people were not born and raised there, and that is great. But if you just graduated college, have lived in Manhattan for three months, hate on outer boroughs, try to be Carrie Bradshaw, and your parents pay your rent…you are annoying. Please stop.

8. Cheaters: Men and Women- you know who you are. Don’t do it. It is hurtful and bad for your karma. You can justify it and make excuses all you want- it is still wrong. We are all animals and we have urges to stray, and that is OK. Just be honest about it.

7. People who are overly- obsessed with their pets: I love animals, especially dogs. But a dog is a dog. It doesn’t not need a stroller or a Louis Vuitton Satchel. It needs a collar, but not made of diamonds, or Tiffany silver. Small dogs under certain circumstances may need a doggie coat, but no dog under any circumstances needs booties. NEVER. EVER. Dogs need a place to sleep- they do not need a chaise lounge. They need a water dish but not made of porcelain or swarovski crystal. Dogs do not need to go to a gym, doggie spa, or doggie daycare. They do not need special doggie bakeries. Dogs should not be without a home, but neither should people. We are the only country who cares more about animals than our own people. One day, near central park, an extremely flamboyant gay guy holding a dog with a rhinestone collar, booties and a coat(on a hot summer day!!!!) got into an argument with a guy from Oregon. The guy from Oregon suggested in his super laid back tone that the other guy should “care about people man, not just his dog.” What was his response? “My dog makes more money than you.” Nice. Real nice.

6. People Who are Bad at their Jobs: Most jobs are not that intellectually demanding, but that does not mean that they are not important. Anything customer service related is hard, because let’s be honest, people are rude. But a little courtesy and effort goes a long way. People are frustrated because when they go into a store, they want a little help and attention, and more often than not, it is not received. I use the self-checkout lane at the grocery store now because the cashier is on her cellphone and it takes 3x as long  if I do it myself. I pre-order my deli meat because when I tell a person to her face I want 3/4 of a pound of ham sliced thin, I get 1/8 lb sliced thick. I literally had to interrupt a a gossip session at the counter of forever 21 last week to find out why there were five people behind the counter doing nothing and there was a line out the door. I had to tell the woman at McDonald’s yesterday that she charged me $4 more than she should have. I had to explain to the woman on the phone of Bank and America that I signed up for a rewards program, and they had sent me a confirmation, even though they had no confirmation on their end. I understand that working in retail, customer service, or the supermarket or McDonald’s is neither glamorous nor rewarding. But that doesn’t mean you have to diminish the position more by being incompetent. Every job in life is important even if it is washing toilets, working at the carwash or changing bed pans. We aren’t all movie stars or senators or CEOs, but we are all important, and people need to put a little more effort and pride into their work.

5. Lawyers Who Sue Doctors: You are ruining healthcare in America. Pharmaceutical companies, insurance giants and the government are also doing their part to ruin healthcare, but lawyers are individuals, not a group of people, who you can personally blame for what is going on. When there is a true medical malpractice, families do deserve to be compensated. But how does suing a doctor for $35 million help your child who was born prematurely? It doesn’t. Maybe $1-2 million dollars could help pay for medical expenses throughout your child’s life but mostly it hurts other people. It raises the malpractice insurance for OBGYN’s to over $300,000 a year and deters people from going into that field and actually encourages current Doctors to get out of the field. How does suing a hospital for $500,000 because you slipped and broke your arm help anything? It doesn’t. Things like that make hospitals go bankrupt and close and there are fewer places available to help people when they are sick.

Most doctors are not careless with their job. They do not go to work and say, “jee, I wonder who I can treat improperly today” or “I hope this baby is born with a defect.” People die, babies are born with birth defects, and genetic disorders that would have happened anyway. If it is a true case of malpractice, the doctor is responsible for making sure the family has enough money to fix it. But driving away from the hospital in a new ferrari doesn’t help anyone- not doctors, not hospitals, not patients who need medical treatment.

4. GIRLS: What is wrong with girls? I am a girl and I hate most girls I see. Good girlfriends are so hard to come by these days. Girls are fake, caddy, back-stabbing bitches. What happened to girl power? You know, standing up for your girlfriends, always being open and honest, not betraying them and stealing their boyfriends. What happened to women’s rights and equality? You don’t fight for your rights wearing slutty clothes and sleeping with everything that walks(especially when they are married). It is not a crime to go out and look fabulous–wear a short skirt and high heels, or even a low cut shirt. We have ALL been there. But there is a classy way and there is a trashy way. And the classy way does NOT include wearing leopard mini skirts in the dead of winter in NY(You know who you are NJ). It is not a crime to sleep with people, but do it in a way so that you can walk away with some respect in the morning. The movie/book ‘He’s just not that into you’ is a perfect example of just how crazy girls have become. They overanalyze EVERYTHING from how many days a guy waits to call, to what color shirt he was wearing and whether or not he smiled at minute 7 of the date. Men are like plants. Simple and predictable. If you water a plant and give it sun, it will grow. If a boy likes you and wants some sex, he will call. Enough said. My boyfriend and his friends separate girls into Babes and stupid chicks. Most fall under the latter category, and I’m sorry to say, I can’t even disagree with them.

3. Authorities who Just Don’t Give a Shit: Eliot Spitzer going after prostitution rings and renting classy hotels on the side to be with hookers…I mean, come on. Timothy Geithner you are the Secretary of the Treasury and you can’t figure out how to pay your own taxes…really? How are we supposed to have any order in society when the people making and enforcing the laws can’t even follow them? Cops regularly run through red lights, double park, jay walk, beat people without a good cause, but who do you call to report them? Their friends down at the station? Preachers who are supposed to be holy and educate our youth and look after families, are abusing little children. Teachers are going home with their underage students.

2. Bad Drivers: YOU ARE THE WORST!! Making right hand turns from the left lane, not signaling, driving slow in the left lane, breaking at green lights, stopping without warning, talking on your cellphone, driving while texting, doing your makeup, changing lanes without looking, not letting people merge into your lane…aHH. Driving is one of the most stressful things that I have to do on a daily basis because no one is awake or attentive. Do you realize you are operating a motor vehicle? This is not space out, live on another planet time. It is a time to focus and get things done. I love driving and when I come home late from work, and no one is on the road, it can be so pleasurable.

1. RUDENESS: By far my biggest pet peeve of all time. There is so much going on in the world that is bad- wars, disease, hunger, genocide, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, economic collapse, racial turmoil- a myriad of awful things that we can and can’t control, do we really need to be rude to each other on a daily basis?? Rudeness can be silent- it is as easy as not giving up your seat ot an elderly person on a bus. It can be small things that most people don’t realize are rude- like smoking around other people who may hate it, or spitting/dropping your gum on the floor, littering, walking against a red light, hitting someone with your bag and then not apologizing. These are small everyday occurences that may seem insignificant, but being bombarded with them everyday really takes a toll on me. There are more obvious signs of rudeness, like not picking up after your dog, grafitting on someone’s personal property, stealing, lying, cheating. What eally bothers me, are the everyday small gesters that show that most people have lost any form of social etiquette, manners, and respect for others. There is so much riding against us in life already, we have to help each other out, not make life unpleasant for each other.